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Friday, March 23, 2007

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I think I am at the point where I have to choose. I have to figure out what I believe, because what my parent(S) or friends or anyone else believes...well, I can't just hide behind that and believe what they believe. Its time for me to decide on my own. There is a lot of stuff going on. I am still having a lot of problems with church, and I am now seeing a therapist, who is actually also a Bishop in our Stake. The irony of it all is, the ward seems to be the source of atleast some of my bigger isuues right now, and they are paying for it. I forget where they said the funds were comeing from, somwehere in our ward. lol. I am sort of realizing that I have a lot of issues inside myself that I need to resolve before I can resolve the stuff around me, but let me tell you, right now all I want is to get out of here, get away from it all and start new. I'm drinking coffee regularly again. I've been drinking in sparatically for the past 5 months or so, but now its an everyday thing. Which is fine with me. I'm so sick of trying, and I don't know what it is I believe. I've had a testimony since I joined the Church, and I know the church is true, but I think that they might just have some stuff wrong or missing. I just think that every church on earth, even ours, has issues, because it is run by PEOPLE. do you get it? The Church is true but its people aren't...or the church is perfect but its members aren't. that sorta stuff. We currupt it. We distort it. It's our nature. Mea Culpa. I bet it's a sin just to think that. I feel so inadequate, liike I can never live up to their standards. Never be worthy. I feel like I have lost the great faith I had when I was younger. I knew there was a God and that he heard my prayers, I watched him answer them. I was a Baptist. I knew the Bible was true, and I knew miricals could happen, saw them all the time. I knew I knew I knew. I felt him and his presence and knew when he was pleased or displeased with me, to a certian point. I was a Baptist. I get in trouble all the time for questioning, but if God dosen't want us questioning, why did he give us that ability? And if I just follow the leaders and do things because they tell me to do them, and not do things because they say they are wrong, then what kind of obediance is that if I am not questioning and if I don't understand why I am not doing the something, or doing the other something, why it is right, why it is wrong etc etc. Not just because they say so. That's not real obediance at all. or so I think. Im pretty sick of being told everytime I ask a question in Seminary or whatever, one of two things "You don't learn about that until you go to the temple, you aren't ready for that yet," or "It's not pertinant to your salvation, stop questioning have faith." You know something tho? I hate to say this. I have no desire at this time to go to the Temple. I have no desire to get married what so ever. I'm not even sure I want to keep on trying. I just feel so lost and alone. I feel broken and hopeless. I've quit reading my scriptures as much as I should, but I still pray each and everyday. I always have a prayer in my heart. One of the Elders in our ward once told me that it didn't matter that I wasn't perfect, or wasn't looked upon by other members as a good member, or any of the other things, he told me that none of this stuff now matters. Heavenly Father sees me going to church, he sees me going to seminary, he sees me making an effort despite everything hectic going on in my life and in our ward, and he cares, he knows. He knows that I am trying and that is all that will count. I wish I knew that for sure. I wish I knew for sure that he remebers me from when I was young. I want so hard to believe. But I'm scared and I just don't know for sure. I can't wait for college.

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