I am disaster. I am poison. I am whore.
Its what they say about me. And I am not even joking. At church. Things get worst. During stake conf. a few weeks ago, my bishop's wife, in front of A BUNCH of people, started pulling my shirt up and saying loudly, "From now on maybe you should just wear turtle necks. The way you dressed is a good way to distract the missionarys. Turtlenecks would be good for you, every sunday-Turtlenecks!" and some other stuff. Then I passed a few kids not from my ward who pointed at me and whispered, not quietly "SLUT". I lost 15lbs in the past month or so, and the shirt I was wearing doesn't fit like it used to, but it is better than how most of my other clothes do. So I have taken to wearing plain, long sleeved, shirts, and black skirts, and what not to church. Two weeks ago I wore a plain black shirt, a plain black skirt (Which Appearently alot of people thought too short cuz it passed my knees when I sat down) and my purple volcom hoodie so I wouldn't just be wearing black-AND COMBAT BOOTS. My nails were still painted black from the night before. I have never dressed so "Rebellious" -as they call it in my ward- as that. But wouldn't it figure, my stake president just decides to join our ward halfway through, and decides to sit next to me. There is one hymn book, so I share it with him, the whole time him looking from my dark eyeliner to my dark nailpolish and back again. ha. HAHA HA FREAKING HA. SO GUESS WHAT? I GIVE UP. They all think I am a whore. They say so. They all think Im a slut. Its obvious. THEY ALL THINK IM A LITTLE REBEL BECAUSE I SAY BAD WORDS SOMETIMES AND I USED TO DRINK COFFEE AND I WEAR COMBAT BOOTS TO CHURCH AND REFUESE TO GO TO Y.W. I GO TO R.S. INSTEAD AND BECAUSE I'VE DATED BEFORE I WAS SIXTEEN AND I HAVE FRIENDS WHO AREN'T MEMBERS(none of the memebers will be friends with me, so what do they expect?) and all sorts of other things. I am sick of trying to please them and be a good little girl and do what they say. I know the church is true. I don't regret being baptized or anything. I just don't see how I am ever going to fit into it anywhere. Is it like this everywhere? Does anybody else feel like me?
"I could be an expert on co-dependency, I could write the best book on underage tragedy, I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor, So I sit and wait and wonder, "Does anyone else feel like me?" I'm so over dosed on apathy burnt out on sympathy"
I want it back the way it used to be, when he would sit next to me and it was better then because of him they mostly left me be. Now I have no one, no allys there. I asked my mom what she would say if the Bishop called her to his office and asked her why she is letting me where black nail polish, heavy eyeliner, almost all black and combat boots to church...whats up with the ways I have changed, and she said she was going to tell him that I am going through a phase. An angry angry phase. Im angry at my dad for being sick and being on chemo, for having his car accident, for not being a father to me, for hating me the way he does. Im mad at my brothers who don't want to talk to me, Im mad at school for being so hard and stressful, Im mad at Jon for making me break up with him cuz he wanted to go farther then I could handle, mad at the epeople of the church for pushing me away and making me an outcast in church and at school, mad at the world. ANGRY AT THE WORLD FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPINING AND EVERYTHING HAPPENING NOW. and she said shed tell him about my hair fallling out and being so sick and weak and tired all the time. She said she'd tell him not to confront me because I might have a melt donw and never come back. THE SCARYTHING IS SHE WAS RIGHT....AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT. HOW CAN SHE KNOW ME SO WELL THAT SHE KNOWS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH WHEN I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL????? I am angry at life for being so hard on me right now, and the drs for not being able to figure out what is wrong, and so much else. I can't even start. I thought that explained everything perfectly, what she said.
Im going to be sixteen at the end of December. I doubt anything will be any different. But I am ready for change. I think Im goin to cut my hair and dye it again. andthen just wait. I feel so alone.
