I don't even know what to say. Things have gotten so crazy. It's like a downward spiral and I am just waiting for it to end. I know I am not doing well. I also know that I need to forgive and move on, but it is SO HARD to let go. Let go of all this anger and hurt and heartbreak. You know, He never called. He got home from his mission over a month ago, and he hasn't called. I have resided myself to the fact he probably never will. I guess it was stupid to think he ever would, I just figured his promise meant something, it always has before. But he seems to have forgotten me, but I can't move past it, I can't get over him and thinking he might have been the one. There is so much hurt inside me, from him, from the youth who are spreading new rumors about me cutting myself and being a whore and everything, from my grades falling, my mom being in the hospital three times last week, and hundreds of othing things that are hapening to me and around me right now, I just don't know how to keep it all from consuming me. I am holding all this hurt inside of me and I don't know what to do with it. I am sick of hurting and I want someone to save me. I have been going to church lately, because I figure the Lord knows I am trying to do what I know is right weather or not anyone else cares. I have made a couple of ties in the ward, a few people who actually like me, but no youth. When I turned 16 new years eve, I thought for sure this one kid Ryan was gonna ask me out, because his mom and my mom and so many other people had said that he liked me and he really seemed to, and I have really liked him for a while now. Like REALLY liked him, and he has ALWAYS been so nice to me. well anyway, he is 19 and wans't sure if he was gonna go on a mission, but I guess he decided he was, which made me very very happy. well anyway, his mom says he likes me, and I was like, yea suuuuuuuurrrrrre. Cuz I wasn't so sure anymore. She said......well Like a friend, because you know he is going on his mission now, so he can only like you as a friend....and she said something else about me taking the focus off of the mission etc etc etc. When I know for a fact he isnt even gonna send his papers in till after baseball season. Anyway, I just felt like she was telling me that I am a corruption. It was after a funeral at the church, so I ended up going to the kitchen and crying. I am so sick of being the problem.
NO CHANGE THIS WEEK. We are trying to stop the downward spiral, or at least slow it down. Let's see how that goes. No seminary tomorrow. That's good I think.